Shameless Christian

Unpacking Shame

“I was not abusive and did not do anything wrong,” said Boger. “The sexual thing is absolutely fabricated. These kids all got together and fabricated this,” said Boger, in an interview last year at the CBS4 studios in Denver.

It's something like four in the morning and I am reading those words while staring at an image of my ex-coach.

He's standing with his wife and daughter, and the look on his face looks very much to me like unprocessed shame.

Shameless?

He's never been charged. He even sailed through #MeToo with teflon-like

And I had kind of tucked that thought away until now.

Our family is facing a serious mental illness in our teenager. Bipolar 1 is very, very serious. The severity, the quickness, the fact that our teenager is in fact, blaming us, all points to the possibility that it did originate in the family.

Ask, Question — With Kindness

And to a certain degree, when asked with compassion, I think the question is valid. I actually welcome it.

The judgemental tone I took with Rick Warren's family is not that. What I did, really, is reprehensible. It's not like I cared about the family and looked for ways to offer help and support. I actually felt a bit hawkish, finding the blemish in the perfect family. It kind of sickens me, to be honest, that I did that.

Family Origins

I have spent many long hours considering our family dynamics, our family culture, my behaviour as a mother, and I feel quite good about how I raised the kids and the family we created for them. Perfect? Of course not. Perfectly imperfect? Yes. Very.

But are there family origins? Maybe.

The lineage is there, on both sides of our family. On all sides, really.

Murkiness

So - here's my postulation. Often, untreated parents with untreated mental health disorders raise children in a rather unhealthy way. I think that is safe to say.

However, treated, healed parents with treated, healed mental health disorders might raise children in a rather healthy way but the children may still suffer from the disorder due to genetic factors and the trauma life deals out. I think that also happens.

I welcome scrutiny in our case but I have come to the conclusion that we're the latter case. As is Rick Warren's family, likely as not.

I love that we live in a time where we believe children. We attempt to honor children (though we could do better). Caring for children, caring enough to ask difficult questions even if it makes families/parents uncomfortable is wonderful and welcome.

Gossiping, slandering, and judging a parent in his darkest hour (even if only in my mind) because it somehow helped me feel vindicated was not okay in the least. I am truly sorry for that and will work to ensure that families are more well cared for in the future in order to make amends.